wakey wakey hands off snakey
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
