we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
