the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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