I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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