community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize