Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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