Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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