We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
