so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize