It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
