I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
