the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
