The maid of honor just puked.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
