I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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