i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
