I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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