and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
