Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There's always time for handjobs
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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