It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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