I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize