I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
