Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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