i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
