The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
