her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
