My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
