i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
