i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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