the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
