Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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