You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Enjoy the penises
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
