omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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