I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize