i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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