i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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