I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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