summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize