you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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