We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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