i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
