okay pat passed out under dana's car
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
