U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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