i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
