how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
