I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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