I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
