half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
