forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
