She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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