Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize