Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
