Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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