i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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