I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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