I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it glows. i had to have it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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