dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
