Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
