i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
