I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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