New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He passed out mid-signature
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
