Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
