I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
God, I missed his penis.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
