we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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