i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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