he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
