Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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