you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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